Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize