ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
