I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i need some magic done to my vagina
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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