im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
