if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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