dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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