So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
