After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
