I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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