actually, I'm a sock model
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
