This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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