you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
