So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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