Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She's the barista slut.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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