i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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