I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
