Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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