im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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