i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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