I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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