Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
