oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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