Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
