My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
