He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
