OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
