tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
