My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
