I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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