Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
