Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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