I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Let's get the cat blown out
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
