You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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