My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
