Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
