you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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