I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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