Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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