my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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