The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The maid of honor just puked.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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