Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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