I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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