Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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