Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize