Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize