I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
