If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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