I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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