remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
