Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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