are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
