I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Only a mothe r could love this liver
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His nipple licking is glorious
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