there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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