you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
