3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
