Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
