i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
