remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize