So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
