The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
