This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
