My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Barsexuality is the new black.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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