my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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