Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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