wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
